Overcoming Underachieving
Breaking the Cycle of Self-Sabotage
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Self-sabotage is a pervasive yet often underexplored barrier to personal and professional growth, and as coaches we are not immune to its impact. It’s the act of undermining one’s own progress, consciously or subconsciously, through behaviors, thoughts, or decisions that are counterproductive to one’s goals. While it may seem paradoxical to work against oneself, self-sabotage is often rooted in deeper psychological patterns, fears and trauma that need addressing. Fortunately, by understanding its causes and employing strategies to combat it, individuals can break free from the cycle and achieve their true potential. Coaches, just like our clients, are often entrepreneurs. And entrepreneurs are often plagued by frustration over their lack of success despite a deep desire to achieve their goals. The truth is that self-sabotage often plays a significant role in their situation.
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage refers to behaviors, thoughts, or patterns of action that actively or passively hinder an individual from achieving their goals, desires, or well-being. It occurs when a person unconsciously or consciously creates obstacles or undermines their own success and happiness. Common characteristics of self-Sabotage include procrastination, negative self-talk, perfectionism, or engaging in unhealthy habits. These actions might seem benign or even justified in the moment, but ultimately hinder progress toward meaningful goals. For instance, someone aiming for a promotion may avoid taking on challenging projects out of fear of failure, or an individual striving for healthier relationships might repeatedly push people away due to unresolved insecurities. A particularly troubling example is the repeated attraction to and involvement with emotionally abusive individuals.
At its core, self-sabotage is often a response to internal conflicts. These conflicts arise from fear of failure, fear of success, low self-esteem, or a mismatch between conscious goals and subconscious beliefs. When individuals feel unworthy of success or doubt their abilities, they might engage in behaviors that reinforce these beliefs, perpetuating a cycle of self-defeat.
Recognizing the Signs of Self-Sabotage
The first step to overcoming self-sabotage is recognizing its signs. We’ve dubbed them “saboteurs” to give them a recognizable character name that you will easily identify when they show up! My favorite moniker is “Cruella” for the harsh inner judge who hammers at me just when I’m on the verge of succeeding in some important way! Some common saboteurs include:
Procrastination: Delaying tasks, especially important ones, despite knowing it’ll cause stress or missed opportunities.
Perfectionism: Setting unrealistically high standards that are impossible to meet, leading to feelings of inadequacy and avoidance. Wanting excellence in what you do is different from perfectionism. Since no one is perfect, perfectionism becomes a major roadblock to progress. We give up before we even get started because we fear we won’t get it done perfectly.
Negative Self-Talk: Criticizing oneself harshly or doubting one’s capabilities. This is the clearest sign that we are in self-sabotage mode: that inner voice just won’t leave us alone! Often, this negative voice echoes learned beliefs from childhood, schooling, or societal expectations. Our brains are on autopilot to keep us safe from criticism or rejection, which our primitive brain perceives as a threat. One common thought habit I see often with my clients is the people-pleaser: keeping silent to avoid conflict. It’s more prevalent among women, but it’s widespread! Many women also feel guilt when they assert themselves, which fuels the cycle.
Fear of Change: Resisting new opportunities or challenges due to fear of the unknown. The unknown is one of the biggest sources of uncertainty, and our nervous systems resist it! Learning to be comfortable with uncertainty takes awareness and practice in shifting our mindset.
Self-Medication: Using unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as overeating, substance abuse, or excessive screen time, to avoid dealing with emotions or responsibilities. Escaping to our favorite comfort source (like binge-watching TV shows or indulging in sweets) is a loud indicator that you are in self-sabotage mode. (My go-to is Cherry Garcia!)
Identifying these behaviors and their underlying triggers is crucial to interrupting the cycle of self-sabotage.
Strategies to Overcome Self-Sabotage
Breaking free from self-sabotage requires a combination of self-awareness, mindset shifts, and actionable steps. Here are strategies to help:
Develop Self-Awareness. Self-awareness is the cornerstone of change. Begin by reflecting on your habits and thought patterns. Pay attention to triggers that make you want to avoid tasks. Journaling can be a helpful tool to track instances of self-sabotage, explore the emotions driving them, and identify recurring themes. Consider questions like, “What am I afraid of?” or “Why am I avoiding this task?” to uncover deeper motivations. Another great question is “What is the payoff in staying stuck here?” Though it seems counterintuitive, self-sabotage often has a hidden payoff that needs to be acknowledged.
Challenge Limiting Beliefs. Many self-sabotaging behaviors stem from limiting beliefs - deep-seated ideas about what you can or cannot achieve. A common “Negative Nanny” or “Inner Judge” voice asks, “Who do you think you are?” You can replace these beliefs with empowering ones. For example, instead of thinking, “I’m not good enough.” You can affirm, “I am capable of learning and growing,” “I am worthy of achieving my goals,” “I deserve to succeed.” We are literally retraining our brains and making new neural connections when we do that. Another example to interrupt negative thought patterns and reinforce new beliefs is to use physical actions, like gently rubbing two fingers together.
Set Realistic Goals. Break larger goals into smaller, manageable steps. This reduces anxiety and creates a sense of accomplishment with each milestone reached. Use tools like SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound) to stay focused and motivated.
Practice Self-Compassion. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, especially when setbacks occur. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes, and that failure is a natural part of growth. By showing yourself kindness, you cultivate resilience and are less likely to spiral into self-destructive behaviors. This self-compassion also includes an element of forgiveness: allowing imperfections without condemning ourselves. Self-compassion fosters a more positive internal dialogue and extends outward to others.
Create a Support System. Surround yourself with positive influences who encourage and uplift you. Share your goals with trusted friends or mentors who can hold you accountable and provide constructive feedback. Engaging with a coach or therapist can also provide valuable support. Often, creating new habits is easier if we have someone to support us in practicing small behaviors, and celebrating our achievements regardless of how small they are. These small wins add up and strengthen our mindset. It’s like building a muscle: the more we use it, the stronger it gets. When you feel stuck in “But I don’t wanna,” you can “phone a friend” to ask for a check-in. Checking in with a friend for accountability can work wonders when motivation is low!
Focus on the Present. Often, self-sabotage is fueled by dwelling on past failures or worrying about future outcomes. Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing exercises, can help you stay grounded in the present moment and make conscious choices that align with your goals. Brains learn by repetition: it is the key—just like how athletes and musicians train their skills daily.
Reward Progress. Celebrate small victories along the way to reinforce positive behaviors. Rewards don’t have to be extravagant; even simple acts like taking a break or treating yourself to something enjoyable can boost motivation and confidence. Know what brings you joy, and do that when you succeed at something, no matter how small. My go-to reward is sending a celebratory text to my sisters— “I did it!” – knowing they’ll cheer me on with a high-five or funny emoji.
Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms. Replace harmful habits with constructive ones. Instead of avoiding stress through procrastination or unhealthy distractions, tackle challenges head-on by using small, intentional steps like time management, exercise, or creative outlets. While those are good strategies, if you’re stuck in paralysis, start smaller. First, interrupt the thought patterns, and then make tiny changes and gradually build on them. This approach is called “habit stacking,” a widely accepted strategy for creating healthier habits while dismantling old self-defeating ones. I highly recommend James Clear’s book Atomic Habits: it’s a practical guide to overcoming self-sabotage in many areas of life.
The Road to Lasting Change
Overcoming self-sabotage is not an overnight process. It requires patience, persistence, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths about oneself. As you work through these steps, remember that progress is not linear; setbacks are a normal part of the journey. The key is to remain committed to self-improvement and view each day as an opportunity to grow. A crucial aspect of this approach to change is preparation: create an environment that supports change. Clarify your intentions, visualize your desired outcome, and surround yourself with people who can support you on the journey.
By understanding the root causes of self-sabotage and implementing practical strategies to counteract it, you can break free from destructive patterns and pave the way for a fulfilling, purpose-driven life. The path to success starts with believing in your worth and taking intentional steps to support your dreams. Working with a coach as an accountability partner can be incredibly helpful. Setting realistic goals will go a long way in dismantling old negative core beliefs that no longer serve you. Remember, you deserve to achieve what you desire
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