Death By a Thousand Comparisons
Why Subtle Envy, Mimicry, and Not Knowing Yourself Will Doom Your Business
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Can you imagine telling your next coaching client that their part-time Etsy business is doomed because they don’t take it seriously enough to make $100,000 next year?
Would you ever, in a million years, tell a client that if they didn’t implement your suggested social media strategy, they’re “just choosing the hard way and making a big mistake”?
If you're a coach, the answer is no, nope, not ever, not even as a joke! And yet, we say this to each other, and we attend event after event spewing the same type of sentiment - sometimes every single week!
For the hundredth time, I was hearing a familiar story. Leeda was at her wits' end, on the verge of tears, lamenting that there was just no way she could do it all. Of course she was right! There was no way, from where she was starting, with what she had, and staying true to her lifestyle, values, and goals, that she could possibly “do it all.” From an outside perspective, it was easy to see the impossibility before her and the contradiction it would create against everything she stood for—even if it was possible! But for her, she couldn’t see past the latest business-building webinar she attended—one in a long line of contradictory webinars telling her dozens of different things, each implying she was a “fool” if she didn’t comply.
In fact, the main theme of most business courses and webinars is that if you don’t implement “XYZ” in your business and do it faithfully, you're not only short-sighted and an amateur, but stupid! It’s a twist on sales 101—state the problem, offer your solution, and shame/guilt the prospect into choosing it. Make it uncomfortable to say “no”—sometimes very uncomfortable.
Some are more subtle than others, using varying degrees of shame and guilt. Some build trust and inspire confidence first before pitching. I’m not slamming sales or all business course creators—they have a job to do. I’m highlighting the ramifications rippling through our profession, hurting the world.
And this moment listening to Leeda was typical of the whole cycle. She felt hopeless, detailing the long, contradicting list of things she “had to” do to make her desired millions.
While comparison can be positive, it also can be damaging. We see what others want us to see about growing businesses, rarely the daily reality. So, we take in limited, sanitized misinformation. Then we use their accomplishments as the bar for what we “should” do. If they have a fancy car, then we're a failure without one.
In the pitch, it sounds so positive, so simple. But with unresolved fears and doubts, it's rarely that easy. More doubt creeps in. Can't do the "simple" thing? Must not be for me—onto the next webinar!
Go to a few more webinars, still stuck, now you've got a list of 20 "could/should-dos" and you’re often still not doing them. But that other coach did the ‘things’ and makes big bucks, what’s wrong with ME!? It’s exhausting.
More than exhausting—comparing can cause:
Less healthy risk-taking: sometimes you have to take a risk in business.
Decreased collaboration: you see others as competition, or judges, so you hold back.
Poorer personal performance: your productivity is undermined by a sense of futility.
Missed opportunities: your focus is pulled to every shiny object and distant possibility.
Less satisfaction: appreciation and joy are diminished due to an external focus.
Poorer mental health: self-esteem and confidence often take the biggest hit!
The fix? Stop the webinars and quit seeking answers outside yourself, until after you’ve done some of your own work!
Let’s be real, if you've done a couple of webinars and/or courses but aren't really doing anything consistently...then the issue is YOU—great news! This is an ‘issue’ that you're totally in charge of, and able to do something about! And rest assured, this particular block is a totally normal one! I mean, isn't this what we coach clients through time and time again? We specialize in getting clients out of their own way—right?
Being an entrepreneur is hard enough without making it harder by chasing others' definitions of success.
Build YOUR business for YOU
Connect to your "why" - let it drive you. Check your values, mission, and vision statements. Dream big, create milestones, reverse engineer your milestones back to where you are now. Then, just focus on the one in front of you, the next one.
Define the lifestyle you want before business takes over. Get clear about your people, places, and things. Who do you want to make space for? What activities do you want to protect from getting crowded out? What commitments do you need to honor? This gives you a realistic sense of how much time, money, and energy you have to put into building a business.
Assess your risk appetite honestly. Get real about your worries, fears, negative self-talk, and resistance points. Decide how much of ‘you’ you’d like to develop. What assets and liabilities do you have? How willing and able are you to step outside your comfort zone? Just be truthful with yourself.
Craft your business model thoughtfully - do you truly want to do the activities driving it? If you hate social media, don’t make it your driving activity. If you don’t want to run coaching groups—then don’t!
Test and adjust based on real data. Don’t change your whole business plan because the event you marketed for only 8 days wasn’t filled. Or the free event you did for strangers didn’t yield any $2000.00 sales. Stick to it. Plan, do, review, adjust, and repeat. Again, and again. Being in business is a permanent state of growth and change.
Give yourself grace—it takes time!
Think how long it takes to learn to play the piano! Should be simple, right? Ten fingers, three pedals, and eighty-eight keys. But there are millions of songs, many musical styles, and musical directions, so it takes YEARS to truly develop.
If you think building a sustainable, agile business in the 21st century is any easier, think again. So, don’t compare yourself to the last pianist to play Carnegie Hall, embrace that you may be plunking out a simple nursery rhyme, with two fingers, at least for a while.
Your business should be built for YOU, not for someone else.
Stop ‘example hunting’ and program hopping. Do YOUR inner work and start building your business based on what truly aligns with you. Simply strive to be a little better than you were yesterday—that's the only competition that matters.
Do what works for you, tailored to your strengths and abilities in this moment. Let yourself and your business grow together, naturally and intentionally. Embrace your own path, trust your process, and own your success—on your own terms.
