Are We There Yet?

Is the true goal the destination, or is it something else?

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Probably the most enduring road trip question from kids to their parents is, “Are we there yet?” I know that I asked it on numerous trips with my family. Stuck in the back seat, that was my only thought… when will we get there? When will we arrive?

As is fair for people, what we dish out to our parents, we often get back from our kids. So, no surprise… on many trips, I had to field that question from the back seat: “Are we there yet?”

Nope. Not yet. Still more to go.

Sometimes, that question popped up over and over, even in the course of an hour. But I do remember this one time. We were doing an “out West” road trip, going from home, through Texas, then out to the Grand Canyon, then back home. Thousands of miles. And thousands of opportunities for “Are we there yet?”

Anyway, at that moment, we were traversing west Texas and into New Mexico. The land went from green to beige. I was driving, so I had a front-row seat to the shift in scenery. And I was struck with how different it was from where I grew up. In many ways, I had the sense that I could be on a different planet. It was beautiful and different. And I was soaking it up.

Until my thoughts were interrupted by that same question came from the back seat: “Are we there yet?”

Well, I thought, we are here. And here was very interesting. No, not there, at least in terms of where we were headed. But we were here. And, I thought, that was pretty cool!

I used to have a tee shirt that said, “It’s the journey, not the destination.” I wore that thing out, probably because it was a lesson I needed to take in. I always had my eyes on some destination. At some point, I knew I would finally “arrive.” I would be there… at my final… um… destination. That destination, by the way, kept moving!

During my early days of graduate school, a supervisor asked what I was trying to accomplish. I rattled off a number of letters that represent—what I now know are “post-nominal letters”—something to put behind my name. There were degrees and accreditations in my list. I probably named six or seven. He sat silently. When I finally paused, he said, “in this lifetime??”

Sure, I thought, in the next few years!

All those letters were destinations, I thought, on my way to “arriving.” Some of those post-nominal letters, I hit. Others, I discarded.

But did I arrive, when I achieved those letters?

Nope.

It turns out, there is just another destination, further out, that keeps calling our names.

Psychology has long been interested in what makes people motivated to accomplish things—motivated to take a journey for—a destination! One popular concept about this is the idea of grit. Are you willing to push through the headwinds and struggles, in order to make it to your destination? The higher your capacity or willingness to push through, the higher your grit.

My wife will tell you that I have a good bit of grit. My mom might clarify that as stubbornness, by the way. When someone tells me how I must be smart to have gotten a Ph.D., I am likely to say, “more stubborn than smart.” I was willing to push through, because I thought that was the path to my destination—those post-nominal letters: Ph.D.

But by the time I got there, another destination seemed to be the one I needed to get to. And I would grit it out to get there… only to realize that wasn’t the final destination.

Because there isn’t one… well, at least until we die!

With so many opportunities to fall for the fable of a destination, I have long realized that tee shirt is correct: it is the journey. For my Ph.D., it wasn’t the letters. It was the learning—the journey—that mattered. In fact, the destination just represented the journey.

So, what does this have to do with coaching, you might ask?

Lots, actually.

First, I see many coaches who are destination-minded. They want that degree, certification, or income level. And there are a plethora of online resources or so-called “coaches” that will push on all three of those! They tell you that you must have a certain degree, get a certain certificate, or earn a certain amount, or you aren’t a successful (aka a “real”) coach. But being a coach is about becoming one, it’s the process. The degree, certificate, or even income, are not what forms you into a coach. It is the process of getting there that is transformational in being a coach.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get a degree or a certification. Because the process of those degrees or certifications can give you the skills, understanding, and that formation to be a great coach. But they are simply destinations that represent the journey of becoming.

I’ve met quite a few coaches with the degrees and certifications (even espousing their income level) as proof of their capacity as a coach. And as I converse with them, I realize they have way more to do to get there. They have not mastered coaching… yet.

Second, along with grit (which is tied to a destination), there is the concept of ganbatte. It comes from Japanese culture and is more about the journey. At its core, ganbatte says there is importance in the effort, in taking on difficult things—for the sake of the effort! Even if you don’t get to some destination, the willingness to take on the journey matters. The process, the effort, has dignity. Celebrate your efforts, regardless of outcome.

Third, the current destination will be replaced by another, whether you get to the original one or not. When I was a kid, I wondered what it would be like to have the knowledge of some profession. What would it be like to understand the human body, like a doctor? What would it be like to understand law, like an attorney? What would it be like to understand how things work, like an engineer? I was thinking about the “arrival point” for different professions. What would it be like if I could somehow suddenly “download” all that information? How would I view things?

But now, I realize that the effort to get there is beyond just the information. That is just data. And sure, it matters. The process, though, to get there is what builds you.

When I was a grad student, no reading about therapy and theories of therapy would make me a therapist. That came from practicing therapy. Sure, the information matters, yes—but so did supervisors, and trying (and failing) to do therapy. That is what formed me.

This is true everywhere. Reading a book about running does not make you a runner. Running does.

Let’s say you decide that your goal is to start running—I’ve been there before. I simply thought that running would be a great way of getting into shape, so I started running. Destination complete.

Until I decided to run a 5k race. I trained and did that. Destination complete.

Until I decided to run a half-marathon. I trained and did that. Destination complete.

Until I decided to run a marathon (on a trail). I trained and did that. Destination complete.

But then, I realized that it really wasn’t about the destination as a runner, as much as it was about… running.

Coaching is about coaching.

Excellence in coaching is about coaching with excellence. You don’t simply arrive there. You continue to grow and improve there.

When will you get “there?” Well, first, make sure the “there” is where you really want to go. Second, be all about the process. Because “there” will simply be one more unfolding yet to come.

So, enjoy the ride.

Your ride.

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